 |
| | Q: I have a friend who is always gossiping. I've told her about it but she gets angry with me and doesn't even seem to realize when she is doing it. I'm not sure how to help her. Is it possible that she has some deeper problems that cause her to gossip?
A: Gossip can be a real problem for some people. Although most of us have shared information about a person that we later realized would have been better left unsaid, the definition of a "gossip" is a person who indulges repeatedly in talking about other people. Unfortunately the content is usually about idle talk or rumors, especially about the private affairs of others. The problem with rumors is that they are usually way out of proportion to the truth and are hurtful and destructive, causing all kinds of dissension within the Body of Christ.
The Bible has a lot to say about gossip. Proverbs 6:17-19 names seven things that are detestable to God and three of those have to do directly with gossip. James dedicates an entire chapter to taming the tongue and using wisdom to sow peace not dissension. Proverbs 20:19 says "A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man who talks too much." This doesn't mean that you cannot continue to have a relationship with your friend, but it does stress the importance of not letting gossip dominate your relationship. James 3:6 likens the tongue to a fire and Proverbs 26:20 says, in reference to gossip, "without wood a fire goes out." You may find that there are ways that you are fueling the fire by not knowing how to steer the conversation toward more neutral topics. The next time your friend starts to gossip, you may suggest that you talk about something else, change the subject, or not say anything in response. The silence may force her to consider what the gossip sounds like on the other end. If she says something to you, you could very politely mention that you feel uncomfortable talking about someone that you don't have first hand information about or that you are in no position to be critical of someone else. Hopefully your effortswould help her to weigh her words more carefully.
The second part of your question asks if gossiping is an indication of a deeper problem. Usually when a person focuses on the negatives or misfortunes of someone else's life, it is a good indication that she is avoiding problems of her own. When Jesus talks about judging in Matthew 7:1-5, he is referring to this very issue. He says: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay not attention to the plank in your own eye? " In other words, if we focus on someone else's problem, it could be that we have an even bigger one that needs attention. Because we don't want to recognize the enormity of our own weaknesses, faults or problems, we take the focus off ourselves and pick on the smaller ones in others to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. It helps us to feel superior to cover up for our own feelings of inferiority or jealousy. Perhaps your friend grew up in an environment where there was a lot of criticism or unrealistic expectations that she does not feel able to live up to and as a result does not have a healthy view of herself. She may be in an unhappy situation or have circumstances in her life she wishes were different but feels she has no control to change them. By talking about others, she can vent her frustrations with their lives and prevent her from dealing with her own anxieties. The root of a lot of gossip is jealousy, wanting to find something wrong withpeople who have it better than we do. It makes us feel good to know that their advantages don't exempt them from problems. Perhaps if we shame them, what they posses won't look as good.
Regardless of the reasons behind your friend's gossip problem, God offers freedom from the trap of gossip. As we mature in our walk with our Lord, we grow in His grace and are able to say, "I would rather boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Corinthians 12:10) It feels far more rewarding to admit our weaknesses, faults and problems and to recognize God's power and grace over them, than to wear a false sense of power that doesn't even last until the next opportunity to gossip. Perhaps as you set an example for your friend, she will want the same freedom and will ask God to show her how to solve her own problems |
|  |
|  |
