What's Up, Doc?
By Dr. Tim Chambers &
Christian Counseling Ministries of WNY, Inc.

Published as a question and answer article, "What's Up Doc?" is provided to churches for distribution to their members, either as a bulletin insert or for other use. In this article we respond to questions that are sent to us on various problem areas or concerns of our readers.

Q: I am a perfectionist and have a hard time changing? Is there any hope for me?

A:Depending on how much of a perfectionist you are will determine how much work it would take to change your behavior. Perfectionism has been used loosely to describe any behavior that strives for order, accuracy and/or excellence. Some people are by nature more attuned to detail and prefer to do tasks in an orderly fashion, but are not necessarily perfectionists. The degree to which a person pursues or demands things around him/her to be "perfect" is the defining factor in perfectionism.

A true perfectionist is characterized by extreme or obsessive striving for absolute precision, correctness, completeness, flawlessness or purity. Usually he/she will spend countless hours planning, executing and surveying a task, often to the point of missing deadlines or to never submitting the task at all. Sometimes a person can be so bogged down by the enormity of a task that he/she worries, ruminates and stresses over it, often robbing him/herself of creativity, sound judgement, relationship and certainly, enjoyment. Perfectionists can be hard, not only on themselves, but on others as well. The extremely high standards can be so important to them that they will expect the same performance of the people with whom they live, work and play. They are often very opinionated, critical, judgmental, uncompromising and demanding. Needless to say, it is difficult to please a perfectionist.

The roots of perfectionism are found in childhood events and/or experiences that have caused feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness when things were not done in an expected way. Sometimes parents put expectations on their children to accomplish a task before the child has the developmental or physical maturity to meet those expectations. Other times parents may want things done in a certain way without regard for differences in perception, ability and creativity. What looks complete or satisfactory to a child may not be complete or satisfactory to an adult. Children then internalize messages that they are not good enough, smart enough or capable of doing well unless they work harder or do better. Teachers can pass on these same messages to their students by the way they respond to performance in school.

There are also less obvious ways that children develop unrealistic expectations of themselves that may fuel perfectionism. Children who have been forced to take adult roles in their young lives such as being caretakers for sick or alcoholic parents or younger siblings, learn to push past their own needs and take on responsibilities for which they are not maturationally prepared. As a result, they feel tremendously anxious and over-whelmed but function on the surface as if they are unaffected. As adults, they continue to perform with the same level of intensity, often unaware of the underlying feelings of anxiety and inadequacy they felt as children. The perfectionism becomes both an attempt to feel good about themselves and a means of averting the anxiety toward a flurry of activity that keeps them from feeling the former pain. Children, who are physically or emotionally neglected or abused in some way, may grow up with similar internal dynamics, relentlessly pursuing perfection to gain attention, recognition, value and/or an attempt to ward of guilt. Unless these underlying issues are dealt with in some way, it is difficult to break through the perfectionistic behavior.

In order to change, it will be necessary to come to terms with some of the issues from the past that may be causing the behavior by reading books on the topic and talking with a counselor. There a good possibility that your perfectionism has carried over into your relationship with God as well, causing you to feel unworthy of His love and acceptance. If this is the case, I encourage you to get help in order to free you to have a more honest and satisfying relationship with the only One who can truly transform your mind and heart.

Q:How do I know if I am addicted to a behavior? I would be able to tell if I had an addiction to something like alcohol or gambling, but what about keeping an orderly house?

A:Compulsive behavior can be confused with addiction because both involve repetitive behaviors and feelings of being out of control. A compulsive behavior is any irresistible, repeated, irrational impulse to perform some act. For something to be called an addiction, however, there must be a change in brain chemistry that causes the body to depend on that substance or behavior. An addictive behavior such as gambling or sex causes a "high" as pleasure hormones are released that then cause a neuro-chemical change in the brain. The body starts to depend on these hormones to feel good and/or escape its normal feeling state, whether positive or negative. The body starts to crave the hormone in order to get through a routine day and/or to cope with a difficult situation.
Very few people start out as addicts. One could argue that some people are predisposed to addiction because of their chemical make-up. However, the form or method of the addiction is a learned behavior brought about by influences from the environment. Addiction occurs over time as the body begins to tolerate the neuro-chemical changes that occur and, therefore, to depend on more and more of the substance or behavior in order to maintain the same level of satisfaction.

The need to keep an orderly house can be compulsive when it replaces a person's ability to relax, deal with uncomfortable or threatening circumstances or share emotions and thoughts. The uncomfortable or threatening circumstances could be feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness associated with not having everything in order. They could also be common everyday experiences that trigger a past traumatic event that is associated with pain or discomfort. The compulsive behavior becomes a way to avoid feeling those negative emotions. Either way, the emotions feel too overwhelming or powerful and the compulsive behavior serves as a numbing agent to keep one from feeling. Most compulsive behaviors are not conscious decisions to act in a certain way. The feelings that are being avoided are repressed or suppressed and, therefore, do not surface until they are brought to attention in some way.

The fact that you are asking the question would indicate that someone may have told you that your standard of orderliness may be too high. Or perhaps you may be experiencing negative emotions; such as loneliness or boredom for not having enough people or fun in your life, or frustration toward people who are keeping you from maintaining that standard. Now that you are aware of the behavior you are in a position to do something about it. You may want to start by keeping a journal of your activity level in regards to orderliness and your thoughts and feelings at each time. You may see a pattern that will give you insight into what is motivating the behavior. However, if you begin to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed, you will want to talk with someone who can help you understand the deeper issues that are involved. Christian Counseling Ministries would be happy to help you work through your confusion and struggle. If you are unsure after reading this article that you have a problem, we would encourage you to talk with a pastor or trusted friend who could help you identify whether or not you need outside help.

FOOTNOTE: These principles may not make sense to you without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If you would like to learn more about how to make God real in your life, you may contact CCM at (716) 632-3200.

Would you like to submit a question you may have about a particular problem you are having in your life? Or do you know someone else who is struggling with an issue that you would like to help and don't know how?

Mail your questions to:
"What's Up, Doc?" c/o Christian Counseling Ministries, 810 Union Road, W. Seneca, NY 14224

Or, email us at:Office@CCMWNY.organd put "What's Up, Doc?" in the subject line.

Please note: Every question received may not be answered. We will attempt to choose relevant questions that will be most helpful to our readers. Questions do not need to be signed and will remain the property of CCM.